It is safe to say that I normally have my life together, which has been something I am very proud of, most of the time. But towards the end of my degree, I felt like the pressure of having to enter ‘the real life’ with the struggles of being an adult really hit and I started panicking. Since then, I have been thinking to myself a lot about what I should do next in life and have often found myself among difficult choices, none of which I am very drawn to.
I watch a lot of YouTube vloggers (the ones who actually sit down and chat or bring the camera with them outside), many of whom have talked about their personal existential crisis. I have never put any thoughts into it, and never found myself related to their situations, not until now. I, lately, often ask myself “What am I doing?”. Understanding that a part of growing up and being an adult is that I will have to sacrifice and compromise certain things, I am still unsettled that I kept doing things I do not wholeheartedly enjoy, so frequently that I started to lose interests in things that I used to love. It has somehow become an issue for me that I am no longer aware of what intrigues me. This brings me back to the time when I was in middle school, during which I was not fully living, but rather checking off tasks from the planned lists I had everyday. Everything was so planned and thought-out that I barely had any time to even be spontaneous. Do not get me wrong, I know that my parents worked insanely hard to be able to afford my busy schedule with all these extra classes, evening classes, advanced textbooks, and the whole shebang that allowed me to get into THE high school. I just feel like, then and now, I am no different from a robot.
I am a hard worker, I am confident enough to say that I have never been stagnant at any workplaces I was in (maybe only when I was really sick or sleep-deprived). I have probably learned that from my parents, who taught me that nothing would ever be handed to me for free if I had not put in any effort. It is very frustrating, for me personally, to see that the hard works I have put in did not pay off, which makes me wonder why I am trying so hard and whether I have put all these efforts in something I should have not. I have been thinking, and I just cannot seem to find the answer to any of the questions I have. All the unfairness and frustration have thrown me into the unsettling state of mixed emotions: fury, sorrow, regret, loss and confusion. I was raised up not feeling obliged to practice any religions if I was not willing to, therefore I do not believe in God(s). But there are some that I believe in, two of which are karma and hard work. Despite the current situation, I still believe that my hard work, one day will pay off and as long as I am doing good, I will be getter good karma in return.
I would like to think I have many friends. After all these years, I thought I have mastered the art of reading a person, which turned out to be far from true. I have fallen out of friendship with a few people, not a lot, but enough to make me question what kind of person I am. I am so uncertain whether I am tolerable or they are just very tolerating of me. A recent unfortunate event with someone I know has deeply hurt me, knowing that someone that I have always got their back, stabbed me right in my back. Maybe that is a very intense statement, now considering that I am not even sure if the person has ever considered me a friend. I love my friends, EVERY SINGLE ONE of them. As long as they are not hurting other people, I am always supportive of their actions. I consider myself a dedicated friend, and they will always come second, right after my family; and I think that is a brilliant thing. I have lived and experienced enough to understand that even though my family loves me and will always be behind me when I turn around, my true friends will be beside me and help me move forward.
That was me with the train of thoughts I really needed to get out of my mind. It is certainly not the most comfortable thing for me to get vulnerable, but if I do not do this, I do not know how long I will last. To anyone who has gone this far and is going through the same situation, just know that it is normal to experience these phases in life. Just slow down, take a look at what really matters, and finger-cross that you make good decisions (I probably should follow this advice too 😐).
"Self-questioning – an effort to get in touch with our essential self – is an endless stream of thought." - Kilroy J. Oldster
A Chaotic Soul 